Forgiving for our Families

by Wes Fessler

There is much publicity about ways to reduce stress through meditation, being organized, saving money, reducing workload, and a variety of elements that affect our lives, but an important one that seems to get overlooked is forgiveness. While most people believe in forgiving others, believing in forgiveness and practicing it can be found to be two very different processes. It is practicing forgiveness that is especially important to families and by extension to the world.

Long Forgotten
Consider past experiences when someone has offended you. There are likely several of these situations from childhood and beyond where someone has offended you. Most likely your first memories of these experiences occured with your family as one of your siblings, or perhaps even your parents did something that hurt your feelings. It is likely that most of these experiences are long forgotten now, as time has elapsed, and the refinement of growing up has brushed over and erased these memories from your mind. This is good, because it shows that forgiveness is a part of who you are and that you are capable of moving on from experiences that have caused you sadness.

Formation of Grudges
There may be some experiences of the past that remain in your mind today, and that still stir unpleasant memories and perhaps even resentment. There are some things that for whatever reason we perceive as more serious than others, and these are the ones that most commonly remain in our minds. Even in the loving, good intentions of families there can be moments of inexcusable foolishness that leads to wounded feelings and the formation of grudges.

Learning to Forgive
It is important for families to recognize that from time to time offenses will be made, both great and small, but that forgiving must be an integral component of a family's values. Of course it is important to teach children to get along, and to avoid treating each other in ways that cause offense to be taken, but there is not getting around it...everyone in a family will offend each other from time to time. Learning to forgive one another as a family is one of the most important lessons that can be taught to children, as this lesson will be used at school, among friends, and in every aspect of their lives as they grow and mature. What your teach your children about forgiveness in your home will largely determine how they interact with others in the future, and will play a part in the interactions they have with future spouses and children of their own.

Forgiveness Begins in Youth
There are few lessons you can offer your children that will be more beneficial than treating others with respect, and to forgiving others who have offended them. Forgiveness is a lesson that begins in youth, but that continues to evolve through time and experience. Teaching your children about forgiveness while they are young will allow your family to understand one another more completely, and help your children to forgive others who offend them in different ways as they mature through the vastness of life's experiences.

Forgiving our Families
As a family it is important to be aware of resentment and problems that can lead to grudges. Grudges and animosity have the potential to drive wedges between family members, as well as harm them physically and emotionally. Some of the harmful effects of resentment and the need for forgiveness are discussed in the article, "How to Forgive." This article also addresses the vital need to choose to forgive others. There is no avoiding contention in a family from time to time, but practicing forgiveness, not only believing in forgiveness, but actually forgiving our families can help us all as families and as a world to be happier, healthier, and more accepting of one another.

My Father's Example: The Lesson of Change

by Wes Fessler

It was 4:30 AM on September 6, 2010 when my father passed away, after a lengthy fight with cancer. A majority of his family stood at his side as his life drew near to its conclusion. He lay in his bed, fighting for the ability to speak and communicate his needs, but only indistinguishable shallow moans and an occasional motion of his arms gave any indication of his wishes, as his body succumbed to the finality the disease.

Relief from Pain
The dim light of the lamps reflected the mood of the room as those who stood by watched hopelessly – aware that there was nothing that could prevent death’s imminent approach, and feeling almost guilty for advocating the moment that would release him from his pain. Being there, and accepting the fate to come seemed to be two contradictory elements; but both were necessary, and ironically both were a beginning to the healing of longstanding family wounds. The passing of a father is a difficult emotional event for most families with unique circumstances that apply to kin and loved ones. My father’s death marked the end of a journey of learning and growth, as life and its unexpected twists and turns shaped a rough and hard man into a more pliable and amiable person.

Two Different Worlds
My family’s experiences with my father were starkly different from those of others who knew him. To others, he was known as a teacher and sports coach who spent countless hours refining the knowledge and skills of youth and adults alike. To his family, he was a strict disciplinarian who aligned his children with his expectations to the point of fear and intimidation. He shared very few moments of leisurely fun with any of his children, and nearly always turned away their requests for play, for help with homework, or for simply sharing time together.

Cycle of Aversion
The disparity between the life he lived with others and the life he lived with our family went largely unnoticed by friends and others, but it was a source of lasting confusion, disappointment, and sorrow for his children who desperately longed for shared moments that would allow them to grow closer to him. My siblings and I sought his attention for many years, and wished that his contempt for us would change, but for reasons unknown, we were unable to break the cycle of his aversion. We loved him, but his persistent refusal to involve himself in our lives was a great source of disappointment in each of our childhoods.

The Goodness Inside
My father was not a bad man by any means. He spent much of his life helping and teaching others. He had many charitable and honorable qualities and values that made him a good person. Most of those who knew my father respected him, and by and large, he respected others. It was at home where interactions seemed askew -- where his children quietly wondered why they were shut out of his greatly desirable activities.

Cancer
Many years passed, and the children grew up, eventually leaving home. Each of the children became involved in their own lives and challenges. My father’s demeanor softened bit by bit as grandchildren came into the picture, and as their youthful innocence caused him to reflect on how he treated his children. It was when pancreatic cancer struck him, however, when the greatest changes occurred in my father’s approach to his family relationships. As an acute awareness of his mortality beset him, his appreciation for his family seemed clearly more important to him.

Time and Tide
Upon visits with my father during his last three years of life, I observed a more gentle man who was kinder to his wife and clearly more approachable to my children in their youth than he had been to my siblings and I as we grew up with him. He was kinder to his own children also. Although he did not verbalize regret to me, I could tell from his words and actions that he was a changed person – a person I could know, love, and appreciate in ways that I never could before. The last years of his life were a time when he was the same person to his wife and children as he was to others…a person who took the time to care and love everyone.

Coming to Terms
As my father lay in his bed taking his last several strained breaths, and as his pulse weakened and could no longer be felt, I was deeply grateful for the most valuable lesson I learned from my father…that people can change. The change my siblings and I wished for in my father from our youthful years was realized before the conclusion of his life. In the time leading up to his death, he expressed his love for my family, and gave them an opportunity to share that love. While in my childhood I came to believe that I would never get the opportunity to know my father, I learned from his example that there is always a reason to hope that everyone is capable of change, and that everyone including myself needs to change from time to time.

The Lesson of Change
The change that I saw in my father allowed me to reflect on the many lessons I learned from him through both good and bad examples. Over the years I have written a collection of thoughts about topics that are important to me. As I reviewed these thoughts, I discovered that I learned 62 important lessons from my father. I have compiled the most important of these into a list of 20 important lessons that I learned from my father. Although my father was not perfect, and I don’t know anyone who is, I was able to learn many valuable lessons from him – even more than those that I happened to write down. I am grateful for my father, for all that I learned from him, and for the tenderness he shared with everyone before his life reached its conclusion.

Why Are Fruits and Vegetables Good For You?

By Wes Fessler

There is no denying it...fruits and vegetables are good for your family. So what makes those powerful sources of bodily fuel so conducive to health when they can be so difficult to get the kids to eat?

The answers for health are relatively simple, but soloving the challenge of getting them into the mouths of children is a bit more challenging (but we have suggestions for that also).

Vitamins, Minerals, and Antioxidants
In regard to health, fruits and vegetables are packed with vitamins, minerals, fiber, and antioxidants. So what does that mean? You've heard all of that since your parents tried to get you to eat vegetables, right? Well, without getting into the specifics of each vitamin and what it does, here's a quick look at what these healthy treasures have to offer. Vitamins and minerals are substances needed by the body which it cannot produce on its own. Fruits and vegetables supply these nutrients and have for thousands of years to human beings. The human body utilizes vitamins and minerals from fruits and vegetables to support chemical reactions that are essential to sustained health. Antioxidants are molecules found in fruits and vegetables that help to slow the degeneration of cells. This promotes health by preventing damage to cells.

Health Benefits of Fruits and Veggies
Fruits and veggies are important for adults as well as children. A healthy varied diet that includes fruits and vegetables can help cells within the body to grow and propagate with optimal efficiency. Healthy cells offer resistance to diseases like cancer, heart disease, and diabetes. By promoting the health of cells within the body, one is able to enjoy greater resistance to illnesses and health problems than they would without them. Fruits and vegetables are indesputible treasures of human health.

Getting Kids to Like Fruits and Vegetables
So knowing that they are good for your family, how do you get kids to eat them? It is no challenge to get a child to eat a candy, cakes, and doughnuts, but for some reason there is often resistance foods that sprout up from the ground. Children have a tendency to love foods that offer the least nutritional value, but there are ways to give them an appetite for the "greens." See our article Making Fruits and Vegetables Fun to Eat for great ideas on getting kids to eat right and enjoy it.

It is very true that fruits and vegetables are irreplaceable and a valued source of nutrition for both parents and children. Eating right is an effort that the whole family can share and enjoy together.