Forgiving for our Families

by Wes Fessler

There is much publicity about ways to reduce stress through meditation, being organized, saving money, reducing workload, and a variety of elements that affect our lives, but an important one that seems to get overlooked is forgiveness. While most people believe in forgiving others, believing in forgiveness and practicing it can be found to be two very different processes. It is practicing forgiveness that is especially important to families and by extension to the world.

Long Forgotten
Consider past experiences when someone has offended you. There are likely several of these situations from childhood and beyond where someone has offended you. Most likely your first memories of these experiences occured with your family as one of your siblings, or perhaps even your parents did something that hurt your feelings. It is likely that most of these experiences are long forgotten now, as time has elapsed, and the refinement of growing up has brushed over and erased these memories from your mind. This is good, because it shows that forgiveness is a part of who you are and that you are capable of moving on from experiences that have caused you sadness.

Formation of Grudges
There may be some experiences of the past that remain in your mind today, and that still stir unpleasant memories and perhaps even resentment. There are some things that for whatever reason we perceive as more serious than others, and these are the ones that most commonly remain in our minds. Even in the loving, good intentions of families there can be moments of inexcusable foolishness that leads to wounded feelings and the formation of grudges.

Learning to Forgive
It is important for families to recognize that from time to time offenses will be made, both great and small, but that forgiving must be an integral component of a family's values. Of course it is important to teach children to get along, and to avoid treating each other in ways that cause offense to be taken, but there is not getting around it...everyone in a family will offend each other from time to time. Learning to forgive one another as a family is one of the most important lessons that can be taught to children, as this lesson will be used at school, among friends, and in every aspect of their lives as they grow and mature. What your teach your children about forgiveness in your home will largely determine how they interact with others in the future, and will play a part in the interactions they have with future spouses and children of their own.

Forgiveness Begins in Youth
There are few lessons you can offer your children that will be more beneficial than treating others with respect, and to forgiving others who have offended them. Forgiveness is a lesson that begins in youth, but that continues to evolve through time and experience. Teaching your children about forgiveness while they are young will allow your family to understand one another more completely, and help your children to forgive others who offend them in different ways as they mature through the vastness of life's experiences.

Forgiving our Families
As a family it is important to be aware of resentment and problems that can lead to grudges. Grudges and animosity have the potential to drive wedges between family members, as well as harm them physically and emotionally. Some of the harmful effects of resentment and the need for forgiveness are discussed in the article, "How to Forgive." This article also addresses the vital need to choose to forgive others. There is no avoiding contention in a family from time to time, but practicing forgiveness, not only believing in forgiveness, but actually forgiving our families can help us all as families and as a world to be happier, healthier, and more accepting of one another.

My Father's Example: The Lesson of Change

by Wes Fessler

It was 4:30 AM on September 6, 2010 when my father passed away, after a lengthy fight with cancer. A majority of his family stood at his side as his life drew near to its conclusion. He lay in his bed, fighting for the ability to speak and communicate his needs, but only indistinguishable shallow moans and an occasional motion of his arms gave any indication of his wishes, as his body succumbed to the finality the disease.

Relief from Pain
The dim light of the lamps reflected the mood of the room as those who stood by watched hopelessly – aware that there was nothing that could prevent death’s imminent approach, and feeling almost guilty for advocating the moment that would release him from his pain. Being there, and accepting the fate to come seemed to be two contradictory elements; but both were necessary, and ironically both were a beginning to the healing of longstanding family wounds. The passing of a father is a difficult emotional event for most families with unique circumstances that apply to kin and loved ones. My father’s death marked the end of a journey of learning and growth, as life and its unexpected twists and turns shaped a rough and hard man into a more pliable and amiable person.

Two Different Worlds
My family’s experiences with my father were starkly different from those of others who knew him. To others, he was known as a teacher and sports coach who spent countless hours refining the knowledge and skills of youth and adults alike. To his family, he was a strict disciplinarian who aligned his children with his expectations to the point of fear and intimidation. He shared very few moments of leisurely fun with any of his children, and nearly always turned away their requests for play, for help with homework, or for simply sharing time together.

Cycle of Aversion
The disparity between the life he lived with others and the life he lived with our family went largely unnoticed by friends and others, but it was a source of lasting confusion, disappointment, and sorrow for his children who desperately longed for shared moments that would allow them to grow closer to him. My siblings and I sought his attention for many years, and wished that his contempt for us would change, but for reasons unknown, we were unable to break the cycle of his aversion. We loved him, but his persistent refusal to involve himself in our lives was a great source of disappointment in each of our childhoods.

The Goodness Inside
My father was not a bad man by any means. He spent much of his life helping and teaching others. He had many charitable and honorable qualities and values that made him a good person. Most of those who knew my father respected him, and by and large, he respected others. It was at home where interactions seemed askew -- where his children quietly wondered why they were shut out of his greatly desirable activities.

Cancer
Many years passed, and the children grew up, eventually leaving home. Each of the children became involved in their own lives and challenges. My father’s demeanor softened bit by bit as grandchildren came into the picture, and as their youthful innocence caused him to reflect on how he treated his children. It was when pancreatic cancer struck him, however, when the greatest changes occurred in my father’s approach to his family relationships. As an acute awareness of his mortality beset him, his appreciation for his family seemed clearly more important to him.

Time and Tide
Upon visits with my father during his last three years of life, I observed a more gentle man who was kinder to his wife and clearly more approachable to my children in their youth than he had been to my siblings and I as we grew up with him. He was kinder to his own children also. Although he did not verbalize regret to me, I could tell from his words and actions that he was a changed person – a person I could know, love, and appreciate in ways that I never could before. The last years of his life were a time when he was the same person to his wife and children as he was to others…a person who took the time to care and love everyone.

Coming to Terms
As my father lay in his bed taking his last several strained breaths, and as his pulse weakened and could no longer be felt, I was deeply grateful for the most valuable lesson I learned from my father…that people can change. The change my siblings and I wished for in my father from our youthful years was realized before the conclusion of his life. In the time leading up to his death, he expressed his love for my family, and gave them an opportunity to share that love. While in my childhood I came to believe that I would never get the opportunity to know my father, I learned from his example that there is always a reason to hope that everyone is capable of change, and that everyone including myself needs to change from time to time.

The Lesson of Change
The change that I saw in my father allowed me to reflect on the many lessons I learned from him through both good and bad examples. Over the years I have written a collection of thoughts about topics that are important to me. As I reviewed these thoughts, I discovered that I learned 62 important lessons from my father. I have compiled the most important of these into a list of 20 important lessons that I learned from my father. Although my father was not perfect, and I don’t know anyone who is, I was able to learn many valuable lessons from him – even more than those that I happened to write down. I am grateful for my father, for all that I learned from him, and for the tenderness he shared with everyone before his life reached its conclusion.

Why Are Fruits and Vegetables Good For You?

By Wes Fessler

There is no denying it...fruits and vegetables are good for your family. So what makes those powerful sources of bodily fuel so conducive to health when they can be so difficult to get the kids to eat?

The answers for health are relatively simple, but soloving the challenge of getting them into the mouths of children is a bit more challenging (but we have suggestions for that also).

Vitamins, Minerals, and Antioxidants
In regard to health, fruits and vegetables are packed with vitamins, minerals, fiber, and antioxidants. So what does that mean? You've heard all of that since your parents tried to get you to eat vegetables, right? Well, without getting into the specifics of each vitamin and what it does, here's a quick look at what these healthy treasures have to offer. Vitamins and minerals are substances needed by the body which it cannot produce on its own. Fruits and vegetables supply these nutrients and have for thousands of years to human beings. The human body utilizes vitamins and minerals from fruits and vegetables to support chemical reactions that are essential to sustained health. Antioxidants are molecules found in fruits and vegetables that help to slow the degeneration of cells. This promotes health by preventing damage to cells.

Health Benefits of Fruits and Veggies
Fruits and veggies are important for adults as well as children. A healthy varied diet that includes fruits and vegetables can help cells within the body to grow and propagate with optimal efficiency. Healthy cells offer resistance to diseases like cancer, heart disease, and diabetes. By promoting the health of cells within the body, one is able to enjoy greater resistance to illnesses and health problems than they would without them. Fruits and vegetables are indesputible treasures of human health.

Getting Kids to Like Fruits and Vegetables
So knowing that they are good for your family, how do you get kids to eat them? It is no challenge to get a child to eat a candy, cakes, and doughnuts, but for some reason there is often resistance foods that sprout up from the ground. Children have a tendency to love foods that offer the least nutritional value, but there are ways to give them an appetite for the "greens." See our article Making Fruits and Vegetables Fun to Eat for great ideas on getting kids to eat right and enjoy it.

It is very true that fruits and vegetables are irreplaceable and a valued source of nutrition for both parents and children. Eating right is an effort that the whole family can share and enjoy together.

Having Fun Before Summer's Done

By Wes Fessler

It seems like it has only begun--the beautiful bright sunny days, giving life to tall, colorful blooms that sweeten the air; but the appearance does not reveal one small detail...summer is just about over!

Drat! Where did it go? Another summer nearly in the bag; and how many of those fun family plans are still on your list waiting to be done? Hopefully you've been busy enjoying the summer with your family, and have had so much fun together that you just can't think of anything else to do.

Whether you've run out of ideas, or just haven't gotten to them yet, we have some great ideas that will help you to finish off the summer in a fun and exciting way.

Sure the kids are heading back to school, but that's no reason to give up on the fun yet. There's still plenty of great weather ahead, and the weekends are certainly still calling for your attention.

So you've already fed the ducks at the pond, and gone fishing, hiking and camping...right. You've gone kite flying, picnicing, and swimming for sure. Although we don't have room to list them all here, we have a great article at Family Fun Shop that lists 100 Fun Family Activities, many of which can be done during the summer. Each of the activities has a short description that can help you decide which activities to add to your list of end of summer family events.

Don't be disheartened as the summer winds down. Get some great ideas from our list and enjoy what is left of this wonderful summer with your family. See our article and list of 100 Family Fun Activities at: www.familyfunshop.com/100funfamilyactivities.htm.

Beating Unemployment

by Wes Fessler

So the recession is over: right? Wave the flags and throw the confetti--happy days are here again. The economists have been hanging banners about the recession's end since the roaring day of summer in 2009 when the Dow Jones Industrial Average reached a whopping 9,171. That's all very impressive and all, and the Dow is now holding a ruler's edge course somewhere around ten thousand, but for many the pain of the recession still lingers to this day, with few signs of easing (especially for those among the unemployed).

Unemployment has taken a toll on the American worker in a big way, and few who have lost their jobs will be joining the celebration of the economists any time soon. For some, unemployment benefits have pulled them through dark times, but for those who are still unable to find jobs to get back on their feet, the well is about to run dry, as unemployment benefits will be allowed to expire.

So what have the unemployed been doing while out of work...sitting on the couch with their feet up? That's what Washington lawmakers would have you believe. It's not true, and it is unfair of anyone who is enjoying a paycheck to make such allegations. The unemployed have been scraping their money together to send out resumes, buy newspapers for classified ads, and wearing out their shoes, while beating on doors that no one will answer.

Businesses are reluctant to hire in times of continuing uncertainty. Some businesses are scared and still barely scraping by. Some have the money, but are holding back--holding out for their competitors to make the first move. Still other businesses have cut their workforces dramatically--forcing the remaining workers to take on the responsibilities of those who lost their jobs in addition to their own. In short, the heartbeat of hiring has flatlined.

Job seekers have been knocked down by their previous employers, kicked down in worry and financial turmoil, and insulted by businesses who won't even glance at the resumes that job seekers have sacrificed to deliver in search of new jobs.

Although it may only offer hope to a portion of those who are unemployed, there may be an alternative solution to the endless process of scratching out resumes, or browsing through classified ads: that hope can be found in those who are willing to beat the job holders at their own game. For those who have the experience, tenacity, and specialized skills, starting a business may offer the solution to a continuous struggle that appears to be completely beyond personal control. For those in the right circumstances, it may be the perfect time to head in a completely different direction than the job boards, and instead to build businesses of their own. If you can’t join ‘em…beat ‘em.

It may sound crazy, and for a majority of job seekers it is, but for some with the appropriate skill sets, opportunities, and the financial cushion to make it a reality, this may be the sensible alternative to counting solely on breaking into a job market that is securely locked up.

Top Ten Tips for Dads

by Wes Fessler

The most important contributor to being a great dad is wanting to be a great dad. Anyone who is a father can be a great dad, but choosing to be is the very first step. Now, there are some who are naturally great, and who get everything right with their children without any effort at all, but for those of us who need to work at it sometimes, there is comfort in knowing that anyone who wants to be a great dad can certainly be one.

Fathers can be pretty busy at times. Life has a way of filling minds with all kinds of random distractions that are all necessary to think about and deal with, but making your children a part of your every day routine is essential to filling the role of a great dad. Knowing your children is crucial to having a good relationship with them. Don't expect happy moments with your children to come to you...sometimes you have to get involved and make them happen. Treasure the time you have with your children, and be a part of what they do. Discover their likes and dislikes. Be a friend not only a disciplinarian.

Great father's concern themselves with the safety of their children. They don't allow them to run off on their own without knowing where they are, or when they will be back. They don't call their children impatiently from across the street forcing them to set foot alone into traffic to come to them. Great fathers keep their children safe from subtle sources of danger, not only the obvious threats that could potentially maim or kill them. Exceptional dads remove the word lazy from their vocabularies when it comes to safety.

Great dads care about the success of their children. When their grades start falling, they are not concerned about how it makes them look as a parent, but about the real applicable knowledge that is essential to their children's educational development. Whatever their ambitions may be (even small ones), allow them to try on their own, but don't allow them to fail or quit when you know they can succeed.

Care enough about your children to make them laugh. A sense of humor goes a long way in building bonds with children. Be careful not to make a habit of laughing at them, but rather, with them in your light-hearted fun. Smile as much as possible. It is a contagious gesture for which everyone will appreciate being infected.

As a father, it is wise to consider being on the same team as your children's mother. When she lays down a decision for the kids, avoid undercutting it with a contradictory statement. Great dads know that a mother's decision is at least as important to the children as their own. Be respectful, loving, and as pleasant to your children's favorite woman in the world, and convince them by your deeds that she means as much to you as she does to them.

If there is one thing that drives children crazy, it is inconsistency. On issues that matter be consistent. Show your children that there is a reason for what you require of them--a reason that will not change with your mood from one instance to the next. Children value stability in their parents. Life itself can be rolling storm of tumultuous changes, but a parents expectations should be anchored in definable values that children can understand and sustain.

By now you're probably wondering when I am going to get to the Top Ten Tips for Dads, for which reference was made in the title. Well, as it happens, I already did, and now I will review them with a short list as follows:

Top Ten Tips For Dads
1. Want to be a great dad.
2. Make time for your children every day.
3. Know your children.
4. Make good times happen, don't wait for everyone else to bring the fun.
5. Be a friend to your kids.
6. Be protective of your children.
7. Help your children to succeed.
8. Make your kids laugh.
9. Be on the same team as your children's mother.
10. Be consistent in expectations of your children.

Any father can be a great dad. All it really takes is a desire to be great to your kids and the determination to do it.

The Truth About Childhood Friendships

By Wes Fessler

It is not always easy to visualize the aspects that define childhood friendships, but these precious relationships play an important role in the development of youthful self-esteem and happiness.

Families at home have the opportunity to share values and to instill a sense of what is good in the world for one another. The building blocks of a child's character are created in the home, and put into practice through interactions with friends.

While it is essential to share positive values and to teach children right from wrong, it is also important to allow children to share these good qualities in friendships that allow them to interact and expand their experiences. Building childhood friendships is a way for children to reinforce what they learn in their families, and to develop a sense of confidence in their own abilities.

Working Through Conflict
Young friendships are rarely as perfect as a parent may wish they could be, but this is a time of learning--a time to make a few mistakes or to have a few disagreements. This is a chance for children to experience conflict, and to overcome differences in their interactions. It is not always best to intervene immediately in such situations, but to give children a chance to work out small issues together, to grow stronger in overcoming the challenges of young friendships.

Talk About Friendships
Communication is a key point of guiding a child to successful friendships. Asking children how they feel about their friends can help parents to discover concerns and any unpleasant feelings about their friendships. This can reveal areas that can be improved in a friendship, while offering opportunities to discuss how situations can be remedied in a positive manner. The point as a parent is to be involved with the process of childhood friendship, but to allow the child to take the actions that make friendships a mutually joyful experience.

Holding On and Letting Go
It is common for children to be two peas in a pod at one moment, and sprouting out on their own the next. It can be frustrating for a child who grows attached to a friend who suddenly develops a greater interest in spending time with another friend. The interests of children change drastically from time to time, and sometimes this means that friends will spend less time together or go their separate ways. Parents should help children to understand that this is normal, and while it is important to be loyal as a friend, they should be encouraged to interact with others, and to make new friends when necessary. Letting go is never easy, but learning to adapt and to be a friend to others can bring a positive outcome to such an experience.

Whether children prefer one-on-one interaction, or playing with a group of friends, it is important to encourage them to discover how to find satisfaction with others. Many of a child's happiest moments can be found with friends in the sharing of imagination and personality. The friendships formed in childhood serve as the backbone of a lifetime of experiences with others. Parents are the coaches who stand in support as their children run, jump, fall, and score in the process of discovering what it is to both have and share childhood friendship.


See more fun ideas for families and friends at www.familyfunshop.com.

Why Should I Background Check My Childcare Provider?

By Wes Fessler
If this picture doesn't convince you of the importance of background checking your prospective childcare providers, you and your children may be faced with some unpredictable and unpleasant surprises in selecting a childcare provider.

Even if your childcare provider's facility or home doesn't look like this one, there is frequently more behind the scenes than you are able to see at first glance. It is amazing how stable, reliable, and trustworthy childcare providers can seem from a phone call or even during a face-to-face interview. It is unwise to assume that what you see is what you get with childcare providers (although many may be exactly as wonderful as they present themselves to be). The truth is that no matter how exceptional the indroductory act may be, there may be an entirely different encore.

I know it may sound a little paranoid and distrustful, but having put my children through their share of childcare, I can say through experience that no one can truly know what a childcare provider will be like for the long term, and the more one can determine up front, the more likely the probability will be of a pleasant outcome for children and parents alike. It is not convenient to spend the money on a background check (which is actually quite reasonable), but the alternative can be infinitely worse.

Whether it is a complete stranger or a well-known acquaintance, always play by the same rule...background check! Don't be susceptible to your own good nature and the rationalization that can blind you to the possibility that it is worth the effort. Even people who you think you know can behave inappropriately, and treat your children in ways that you would be shocked to discover. When it comes to childcare, you should never assume that everything is as rosy as it appears from a glance. In choosing a childcare provider it is important to reach beyond your gut instinct, and obtain documentable evidence to support your good and trusting nature.

Don't gamble on the well-being of your children, while you're away trying to keep life together. A background check is no guarantee that you will get the perfect childcare provider, but it is another tool to help you eliminate those who could be the worst.

The Moments We Never Regret

By Wes Fessler

These are the days to be who we want to be--to do what we want to do, and to build the memories we long for with those we love.

Life can be busy beyond imagination, but beyond the daily grind we must always remember those who are dearest to us, and who want more than anything to spend time with us doing just about anything at all.

Our children and the time they choose to offer us is so much more valuable than we are sometimes able to recognize. Although in life there may always be perfectly legitimate reasons to miss out on opportunities with our loved ones, we must conversely inject reasons that we can spend time with them. These are the times to build memories with those we love, for what else is really more important?

May we all as parents find the strength, whether or not we have the time, to make the time to spend with our children. It is not so important what we do, but more important that we do it. We cannot afford to procrastinate the joy of family times. Make the most of the moments you have with your loved ones, because it is more precious than anything else that can occupy your time.

Enjoy togetherness with your family whenever you can. If you must have regrets as age claims the greater portion of your days, don't let them be the memories that you should have, but didn't get around to making with those you love. Make the time, build the memories, and be all that you can now to those who are most precious to you. These are the times we will not only never forget, but they are the moments we will never regret.


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